using performance to explore the paradox of desiring and denying perfection
I can’t start the day without showering.
I can’t throw or work with clay if my bucket and tools are too dirty.
I need to push the skin on my thumbs against my nail before I write.
I have to push cords back into place even when they’re adequately plugged in.
I am fascinated with the rituals, habits, and compulsions that exist in my life, and those that I notice in other people. There is a mild sense of insecurity and anxiety that invades my mind when I do not do something habitually; it feels like I am writing in a wrong way if I do not push skin against my nails first. As a psychology major, one would think that I would have total control and an exact explanation behind these phenomena, but I cannot fully explain why I feel this way. It is almost like I need to do these things in order to succeed at a certain task.
Growing up I used to watch my parents’ garden and take care of the house. They are very particular and systematic about how they did things. If something isn’t done in the right order or done in a certain way, then it is definitely wrong. I find that growing up in this setting has really influenced the way that I look at things and work, and that there are two important things that I always strive for: perfection and a way to deny perfection.
Through performance, I am able to confront these uncomfortable feelings by accepting what is happening in the present moment and lowering all inhibitions. Through this work, I am able to explore more about myself as well as the intentions of other people.
Anthony Kascak
thinkingthroughmakingsourcebook 